PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
