Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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