When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
