the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My first STD was from a foam party
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
