party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
