Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
