I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
