im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
