My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
