he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish you could order shots online.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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