Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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