So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I touched a dick in church today
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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