A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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