Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
