That's intense
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize