just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
