new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
