If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just invented taco cereal.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
