Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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