I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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