At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
