I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
