I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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