ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Farmville is her only friend.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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