we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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