we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
