That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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