remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize