I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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