By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
