I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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