Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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