Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
