she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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