My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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