I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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