I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
