What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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