Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
