Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
