I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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