I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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