And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
