Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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