I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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