I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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