you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
