It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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