when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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