dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
