its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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