dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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