Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
