They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
