I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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