I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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