I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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